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專訪20 Chor Lai #我的愛自己是 時刻都在自問自答

Updated: Dec 16, 2021

To love myself is to always be engaged in dialogue with myself.




Q1. 愛自己的定義

Loving myself means…



很多人覺得愛自己,就是要吃得好,做瑜伽或者做運動之類。對於我來說這些都是流於表面的方式,而我愛自己方式就是尋找自己。


Many might say loving myself means eating well, practicing yoga or some other kind of exercise, which I feel only addresses the superficial. Soul searching is my way of loving myself.


Photography @kaleidosky.hk @hoaxchiu



「我是誰?」

當年廿歲出頭的我,生活上諸事不順,跟家人關係不好,又不喜歡當時的工作。令我開始不停反覆問自己,為甚麼我是現在的我?我是深信每一件事情都有原因的人,因此嘗試通往內在尋找答案。


“Who am I?” My early twenties was a tumultuous period in my life. My relationship with my family was bad and I hated my job. I kept asking myself, “How have I become this person?” I believe there is a reason to why things happen, and I did some soul searching to look for an answer.





「為甚麼我是現在的我?」

這個問題是能更深入認識自己的契機。很多時是因為原生家庭的關係,特別是與父母的關係;亦可能是過去的經歷,留下了不同的影響,讓我們成為現在這個自己。


Asking yourself the question “Why am I the person I am right now?” is a great way to better understand yourself. Things like familial relationships, especially the one we have with our parents, and other past experiences have an influence on us and shape us into the person we have become.




我習慣對話時注視對方的眼睛,從眼神看出背後的潛台詞

有時第一眼看見一個人,會有一種熟悉的厭惡感,因為自己也曾經是同一類人,所以一眼便看穿對方的思想與行為。這種厭惡是出於自我批判,但同時亦是一種自我反省,令我更了解今天的自己,知道如何成為一個更好的自己。


I have a habit of looking into other people’s eyes during conversations. It is a great aid when it comes to reading between the lines.

I sometimes feel a sense of disgust merely on the first impression of someone. It comes from a sense of familiarity because I was once that same person. You can see right through to the thoughts and behaviour that is brewing behind. My dislike of that person is borne out of self-criticism. It also serves as a reminder to myself to do better and have a better understanding of who I am.



Photography @nicoeinsidler



時刻都在自問自答,就是我愛自己的方法。

不了解自己,又怎能好好愛自己呢?


Always be self-critical. That’s my way of loving myself. How can you love yourself if you don’t understand who you are?



Photography @nosemiu ©memes & friends






Q2. 不愛自己的狀態

Not loving myself is…



我是一個逆向思維的人,我會把別人對我的批評轉化成動力。


I’m a kind of reverse thinker. I’ll take criticism from others and turn it into a form of motivation.



Busking with Tatsuya 2019 | Photography @Frankie Chan



在我玩手碟 (handpan) 的初期,被一位前輩說我沒天份,於是我就下決心苦練。直到最近重遇他,我已能辨別出他在技術上的瘕疵,與比我優秀的地方所在。歲月的磨練讓我體會到,能否超越別人已經不重要,能令我們獨當一面地展現自己,才是意義所在。因此我心中一直很感謝他當初對我的批評。


An accomplished handpan player once told me I lacked talent when I first started, and that was when I decided to really dedicate myself to learning the instrument. When we met again recently, I was able to hear the flaws in his technique, but also realise where he is the better player. After years of playing, I’ve now realised it’s not about whether I’ve become the better player, but rather how we can express ourselves through our instrument. And I sincerely thank him for his criticism at the beginning of my journey.



Photography @oneness_zeng



那些傷害過我的人是我的動力,他們成就了我的「復仇計劃」。復仇是不需要用劍的,當你專注做好自己,別人自然會看到。我要用這個心態去報復社會及這個世界,因為我對這個社會實在存在太多不滿。

All those who have caused me harm in the past have become my motivation in life. They have become part of my great plan for vengeance. You don’t need a sword for revenge. When you focus on bettering yourself, others will naturally take notice. I take this mindset with me to seek revenge on society and the wider world, and I have a lot of grief to air on society as a whole.



Photography @oneqiu



然而在某些人眼中,我這種心態就是一種不愛自己的狀態,所以愛與不愛,其實很二元對立,而這世界上有很多事情是不能以非黑即白去說明的。就像我很久以前認識過一些黑社會朋友,他們有的會吸毒,有的每天無所事事,但除此之外,他們人品都很不錯。當時身邊有人說:「你和這些人做朋友,最終你也會變成他們。」偏偏我就是沒有沾染他們任何不良習慣,因為我是一個有自己想法的人。


本身定力夠,就沒有人可以把你改變,這是一個人的本質。

Some might think my attitude on life is not in a state of loving myself. I therefore think loving or not loving is too binary in choice. There are so many things in life that are not simply black or white. I used to know a few friends in gangs, and sure some were into drugs and others lowlifes, but they were pretty nice guys apart from that. I’ve had people warn me about hanging out with the wrong crowd, but in the end I never picked up any of their bad habits because I can think for myself.