Updated: Nov 10, 2021
To love myself is to let go of myself.
Loving myself means...
For the sake of this interview, I had a look back on social media of the things that happened in the recent past. I notice I always get a different feeling each time when reviewing these old postings.
I suffer from severe depression. I’ve been told since childhood by countless social workers and doctors that I must first learn to love myself. I used to always tell myself that "loving myself" is just another word for selfishness and the act itself is merely a disguise to justify this behavior. All the more reason to make me turn my back on it.
People begin to complicate the concept of “loving myself” as they age. Don’t you think it’s actually just a few simple things like living well, and staying true to yourself?
My tattoo to remind me everyday not to hurt myself
But it’s not as simple as that. I’m also still learning.
If we’re talking about what “loving myself” means to me, then it’s my acceptance of my illness; accepting my failures; not giving up on finding better ways of self-cure; even trying to help others by sharing my experience. These are the footprints in my unique quest of “loving myself”.
Not loving myself is...
I can spend the next three days talking about what this means to me.
The most common one that comes to mind is self-harm. And yes, I’ve tried them all. I’ve even come up with a few of my own techniques to evade detection.
I later discovered by accident that I was subconsciously trying to do a lot of things that would count as a form of self-harm. I would try to stay awake for as long as possible. I discovered my willpower was actually stronger than the cocktail of prescribed pills I have to take everyday. No matter how high a dosage my doctors gave me, I couldn’t be shaken. There were times when I would stop eating. I relied on meal replacement packets to keep me going.
I literally dove head first into the most daring and dangerous activities.
Some might think what I do shows I don’t cherish my life, but I think I’m the exact opposite. I’m just being zen about it and looking to ride that next wave. While there might not be much positive about it all, I don’t think there’s anything negative.
You might have found the problem, but not the solution. For this, I can only rely on myself. I’m still waiting to let myself go. Do not deprive me of this basic human right.
The lifestyle of loving myself...
I chose to help others like myself. Sharing my experiences offers great support to them, and I can’t change what has already happened. I have tried every available drug, surgery, and medical procedure with indifferent results. I hope by sharing my story I can also help other patient’s family and friends to better understand what we are going through and how they can offer support.
AF&O CLUB Youtube channel
I feel equally as happy as the person who thanks me each time. That feeling you get when someone tells you you’ve made an impact on them is worth more than anything money can buy.
And live everyday like it’s your last.
Stop thinking. You won’t have regrets if you just do the things you want to do.
Don’t let society dictate what we should really live for. We should look past the social standards set upon us in the class struggle. Be our best at whatever position or role we are in. If we do that then we can all shine wherever we go.
方晴 Angie Fong | Hong Kong
靈性工作者 Spiritual Therapist
youtube: AF&O CLUB
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Copyright © Angie Fong Tsing
總編輯 Editor-in-Chief: Dani Chong
執行編輯 Executive Editor: Moon Mo
助理編輯 Assistant Editor: Zoe Wong
英文翻譯 English Translation: Cliff Wu
NEXT 下一篇 / 專訪07 Kalun #我的愛自己是 時常提出疑問
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